Concert Review: 505 Goats at Moonlight Lounge + Futilitarian, Suspended, Distances, and Crushed?! at Launchpad

Intro:

When I first saw the flyer for 505 Goats, I thought to myself: “Yeah, that tracks! It’s Alexx’s Birthday, so of course his band is playing! Hell yeah, I’ll definitely go support the local music scene! Especially when it’s for a homie’s special occasion! June babies are the best!”

When I first saw the flyer for Launchpad, I thought to myself: “Futilitarian? Meh, those dudes would probably prefer if I just didn’t go at all, so I’ll go headbang front and center just to troll them! Suspended? Everyone adores those gals, so it would still be nice for me to come out and show some love (especially for femme indigenous thrash metal!). Crushed? Never heard of them before, but I’m intrigued and my curiosity is piqued, so I’ll give them a fair shake, it’s always exciting to hear something new and different! Distances??? HOLY SHIT SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!! 

This night was a little bit complicated, juggling multiple different bands between two different venues, so I just organized my review in two parts, from the first venue to the second, but the whole thing was an absolute blast!

Launchpad:

Crushed?! was worth all of the hype, and then some! That was some chaotic, confusing, but unmistakeably catchy soundwaves. This was such a fun time. Rowdy, rambunctious, riotous party music cranked to the max. Dare I say, a little bit belligerent and obnoxious. It’s almost like this music was literally made just for me! If you are unhinged and slightly feral, you’ll probably love it too. The musicianship is spot on, but they also have a cheeky and slightly self-aware sense of humor that I highly appreciate.

This is exactly why I’m obsessed with hardcore and punk rock. It’s just bursting at the seams with raw energy. It’s not exactly aggressive, per se, but it’s not exactly peaceful, either. This music is exciting, vibrant, and colorful. If you want something to get you in the mood for headbanging, moshing, or just jumping around like a lunatic, this perfectly fits the bill. Who needs to pound a 4 Loco, when you could just listen to Crushed? The physiological side effects of jittery heart rate and overwhelming squirrelly attitude are almost exactly identical! 

Distances were the main attraction, at least to my cold black heart of darkness. I was already rocking their merch y todo! Represent, yo! Don’t get me wrong, of course I was looking forward to all of the other bands, too. The whole entire lineup was top tier! But something about the raw aggression of Distances, compounded with the fact that I see them so rarely, made my heart race with anticipation and excitement. 

Distances are heavier than thou. Not my fault. Don’t shoot the messenger. Distances are so brutal that they’ve literally given me acid flashbacks of dark trips in the past. Not bad trips, mind you. Just… dark. Morbid. Grim. Melancholy. Maybe even a little scary. But holy hell,  did I ever have the time of my life! 

My nervous system was overwhelmed with cortisol because earlier that night, some random chick had tried to hatemosh me at Moonlight Lounge, totally unprovoked (more on that later). My tensions were high, my feelings were hurt, my thoughts were racing. But I took all of that nervous energy and social anxiety, and I channeled it into headbanging so hard, that I couldn’t feel a goddamn thing! I windmilled until I was dizzy and disoriented. I had become comfortably numb. 

I peered over my shoulder, and I was surrounded by people headbanging just as intensely.  All of my feelings of humiliation and degradation totally evaporated. For once, if only for a few moments, I felt like I truly belonged. 

Suspended totally shredded, because of course they did. It’s who they are and what they do. These legendary ladies of metal are not only extremely talented musicians, but also smart, sweet, intelligent, wonderful human beings. Good people and great vibes all around! Steel sharpens steel. The more I see Suspended, the more inspired I feel. This is what it’s all about: Comradery and community. Those babes are extremely badass, and they already know it, and everyone else already knows it too. They don’t  even need me to tell them that they totally rock, but I’m going to sing their praises anyway!

Their lyrics can traverse dark themes of social injustice and institutionalized oppression. For example, certain songs bring up the important cause of MMIW (Murdered and Missing Indigenous Women). While these topics may seem bleak, I think the overall message is hopeful. We can help the people who need it most, and together we can even change the world for the better. There is plenty of room for healing. 

Futilitarian is always somewhat of a curveball, even when you have the entire album memorized from start to finish. You never know quite what to expect.

For example, when a dude tells you to boo him onstage, it feels kind of like when a chick asks you to choke her in the bedroom. Like umm okay, I guess I’ll try it if you really want me to, but I feel like you might actually get hurt. 

But then once you get the hang of it, you just can’t stop! Besides, nobody is more deserving of disapproving jeers, than the Poor Man’s Drummer. He was asking for it. No, I’m not just talking about his stupid slutty outfit. He was literally revelling in the negative attention, just like the evil heel that he is.  Besides, I forgot to boo the brat offstage at his own birthday concert last year, so I’m making up for lost time. 

Futilitarian is exactly like a slam dance: Friendly violent fun. This was especially true for them playing their whole seminal album, Annihilation, from front to back, in it’s entirety. We all know all the songs by heart. We all love it. They are local favorites for a reason. 

Futilitarian is just like when you were a little kid and your family would take you out to your favorite restaurant, and it felt like a special treat. It’s so familiar, you crave it constantly, it’s tantalizing because you experience it so rarely even though it seems like it should be so easily accessible all the time, but somehow it’s just emotionally fulfilling nostalgic comfort food. I always feel so warm and satisfied afterwards. 

Everyone knows that I have a love/hate relationship with Futilitarian. I love them, and they hate me! All kidding aside, the only reason I’m so casual with my reviews of them, is because we’ve known each other for such a long time, about 15 years (probably even longer at this point), so they should know by now that I’m being playful, even when I’m pretending to be mean. It’s exactly like when I say “Primus sucks”, but the joke is that I obviously love Primus! Same with Futilitarian. 

Moonlight Lounge:

505 Goats are a wonderful, unique, special treat. How would I possibly even describe the 505 Goats? A local supergroup? A collaborative cover band? This is a unique project that has multiple different musicians, of all sorts of diverse backgrounds, playing a variety of songs, in every genre imaginable. Some members are seasoned professionals who have been in bands for several years. Some are playing music onstage for the first time. Dozens of different members tag team and trade roles for different tracks. It’s absolutely awesome and incredibly creative!

505 Goats was all Alexx’s brain child, being the evil genius that he is, so it makes sense that his band (or more accurately, one of his many bands) would perform to celebrate his birthday! 

They played absolute bangers, including , but not limited to, California Love (2Pac featuring Dr. Dre), Thunderkiss 65 (White Zombie), All Around Me (Flyleaf), Her Ghost In The Fog (Cradle of Filth), Clint Eastwood (Gorrillaz), Beast and the Harlot (Avenged Sevenfold), Angel of Death (Slayer), Reign in Blood (Also Slayer), In The End (Linkin Park),  Symphony of Destruction (Megadeth), Bark at the Moon (Ozzy Osbourne), Pursuit of Vikings (Amon Amarth), Bodies (Drowning Pool), Ronald (Falling in Reverse), Laid to Rest (Lamb of God), and Shipping Off to Boston (Dropkick Murphy’s). 

Keep in mind that this is only a fraction of their actual setlist. Like many fans, I was two-timing both concerts, walking a few blocks from Launchpad to Moonlight Lounge, and then back again, in between sets. We pedestrians had to expertly navigate road construction, street urchins, skateboarding teenagers, white girl wasted club chicks, and other metalheads as we cruised from one venue to the other. It was impossible to see everything all at once. It was like one of those festivals where you have to travel from one stage to another in order to see your favorite bands, but no matter how carefully you try to plan ahead, you inevitably miss a few songs regardless. First world problem! Oh no, poor me, there’s too much local talent, and not enough time to see them all! 

Outro: 

Part of writing about concert reports, is being honest about the full experience, including the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ve complained before about usual annoyances, like tall people standing in front of me, Karens cutting in line, expensive tickets, line up changes, having random unpredictable depressive and/or psychotic episodes out of nowhere… 

Well, on this particular night, the only problem was a drunk chick who was pointing her finger in my face and screaming about how she would, and I quote verbatim, “Fuck a bitch up.” She then took it upon herself to shoulder check me, and literally step on my toes. I was stunned and shocked speechless! I couldn’t even comprehend what had just happened. It was so mean, yet meaningless. 

 If she was trying to embarrass me, it backfired spectacularly. Of course I’m not ashamed, because I obviously did nothing wrong. The only person she made look bad, was herself. A swing and a miss! Better luck next time, sis! 

This was the first and only time that anyone ever tried to hatemosh me, but other than that horrible incident of terror, the night was practically perfect! I’ve already talked about toxic masculinity at concerts, but apparently there’s a rash of toxic femininity as well. But then again, there is also wholesome masculinity, and wholesome femininity as well, like the other femmes who hugged me and asked if I was okay and reassured me that they got my back, after they saw me get screamed at, pushed, and stepped on. For every one crappy person, there’s a dozen of decent human beings. And if you can’t find a kind soul, BE one. 

All in all, an epic night of fun and friendship. Even the shady moments are just water under the bridge at this point. Who cares, I still had a blast, and I think everyone else did too!