Lyrical Analysis: Trivium – In Waves

Intro:

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) totally sucks, because every single emotion is always cranked up to 11, 24/7.

If you feel happy, you annoy everyone who assumes you’re “fake nice” or “toxic positivity”. Even so-called “positive” feelings can be overwhelming. Like that time I was listening to Beneath the Rose, by Baroness, and I loved the music so much that I had to pull over to the shoulder of the road, because I was so enthusiastic that my racing heartbeat was distracting me from driving. Hysterical laughter devolved into crying, as I clutched my painfully hyperventilating lungs.

But if you feel angry, everyone thinks you’re scary, evil, or literally demonic. I’ve been doused with Holy Water more times than I care to admit. If you feel sad, people think you’re pathetic for crying inconsolably for hours and hours on end. If you’re high functioning, people assume that you’re neurotypical, misdiagnosed, or just lying for attention.

So apparently I “pretended” to get fired/rage quit multiple jobs, “pretended” to have one horrible heartbreak after the other, “pretended” to fall out with my friends, “pretended” to become estranged from my family, “pretended”to have wildly embarrassing public mental meltdowns… All because apparently I supposedly wanted 5 seconds of attention, from YOU in particular. Fuck yeah, seems legit.

I’m coming back around from a months-long downspell. I had writers block. I was burnt out at my job. I pushed loved ones away. Now I feel much happier and healthier, at least for now. I reached out to reconnect and reconcile with old friends. I feel inspired to write again. I’m playing bass on a regular basis. I feel secure with my current career path and financial situation. But I have the dread that this mental clarity and emotional stability is only temporary. It’s only a matter of time before the negativity grabs me again.

Lyrical Analysis:

In waves
In waves
In waves
In waves

First off, we repeat the same two words, over and over again. Just like waves rolling in the ocean, the melodic pattern flows with lunar mechanics and cosmic accuracy. Sure, it’s admittedly redundant, but it also establishes a predictable pulse, a heavenly heartbeat, a circadian rhythm, that governs all carbon based life forms on this shared planet earth. This is an eternal ebb and flow of the tides.

Do I end this all for the world to see?
In waves, in waves
Do I take everybody else down?
Everybody else down with me?

Okay, well, these are clearly intrusive thoughts about self harm. But also about harming others. If I have to take myself out, then at least I’ll take a few of you fuckers with me! But of course, I don’t really want to act on those awful impulses. The call of the void is a real psychological phenomenon, the devil on your shoulder whispering to jump when you’re on the roof of a building or a tall bridge, the shadow figure telling you to speed through red lights, and the nagging desire to bedrot instead of getting up and adulting. Just like feelings and emotions, cognitive thoughts are neither objectively “good” nor “bad”, they’re just thoughts. They come and go, well… In waves! Sometimes they unintentionally go to an extremely dark place, even if unintentionally. That doesn’t (necessarily) make you a bad person. It just makes you human. We think, therefore we are. It’s alright to allow our thoughts to wander. But mindfulness and meditation can help you reign them back in, whenever they stray too far.

In waves
In waves
In waves
In waves

Again, the redundant repetition reinforces the concept of a never ending spiral of self loathing and self destruction.

Do I end this all for the world to see?
In waves, in waves
Do I take everybody else down?
Everybody else down with me?

Depression is like those finger traps. The more you fight it, the more it ensnares you in it’s inescapable grip. I can’t control the depressive lows or the manic highs. Depression and mania both have an element of anger. Besides, anger is just spicy sadness. All this rage stems from deep sorrow. Just like depression is much more complex than just feeling “sad”, so too is mania much more complex than just feeling “energetic”. Just because I’m full of energy, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m full of “good” or “positive” energy. Anyone who’s ever had a manic episode, knows that it can feel extremely annoyed, agitated, aggravated, aggressive, arrogant, etc.

I know that death approaches fast
In waves, in waves
What’s the purpose if this life won’t last?
Pulling everyone down with me

Once more, the morbid nihilistic existentialism is obviously apparent. Death comes for us all eventually anyway. So does any of this even really matter?

Perpetually
Perpetually we’re igniting in waves
Incessantly
Incessantly we’re sinking in flames

Heh. Nice subtle allusion to In Flames, another iconic melodic death metal band. But seriously, this stanza reinforces the repetitive nature of vicious cycles. Mundane and tedious, yet unpredictable and chaotic. Just like shopping at Macy’s on a random Wednesday morning. It’s so aggressively normal, that it’s actually pretty weird.

All jokes aside, I think the vicious cycle being referenced, is most likely the fluctuation of random mood swings. Oscillating wildly from hilarious hysteria to demonic depression. Euphoria becomes dysphoria within a matter of moments. One day is manic, the next, anhedonic. Or like the long, droning, boring, neverending path to recovery. Sobriety, withdrawal, relapse. Rinse and repeat. Forever and ever and ever.

Perpetually
Perpetually we’re igniting in waves
Incessantly
Incessantly we’re sinking in flames

Neurotypicals be like “You are not defined by your emotions! Feelings are valid but temporary! Accept your mental state but then move on!” They want me to accept the ephemeral nature of emotions, but only when it’s convenient for them. Especially if I have valid reasons to be sad, angry or upset with them. “Be the bigger person! Don’t let the negative emotions consume you!” Etc. But then they turn around and act all personally offended, that my so-called “positive” feelings, such as happiness, gratitude, forgiveness, and even love, are also transient states of being, that come and go in waves.

If I ever told you that I love you, or that I forgive you, I genuinely sincerely meant it…. At least, in that one particular moment. But maybe those feelings will fade, change, or transform. It may take a few short minutes, or a couple of months, or even several long decades. But sometimes I get hit with overwhelming fits of rage, regret, and resentment. I ruminate on broken memories, and I feel like I’m reliving all the same pain all over again. Some wounds never truly heal.

In waves
In waves
In waves
In waves
In waves

Waves can be gentle purls of water that lap against the shore, or powerful tsunamis that decimate everything in it’s path of destruction. Wavelengths are literally music, frequencies, and repeating patterns. Tune in, turn on, drop out. These ideas truly resonate, in every sense of the word. It’s not just the lyrics, but also the delivery thereof. There is a solid balance of gutteral growls and melodic clean singing. The guitars are distorted and angry, but addictively catchy.

Do I end this all for the world to see?
Do I take everybody else down?
Everybody else down with me?

Changing your mind or shifting your perspective doesn’t make you a hypocrite. Quite the opposite. It means you adapt yourself appropriately, according to the context of the situation.

I know that death approaches fast
What’s the purpose if this life won’t last?
Pulling everyone down with me

I told the truth when I said I was hungry before eating, but I also told the truth when I said I was full after having lunch. I told the truth when I said I was tired last night, but I also told the truth when I said I woke up this morning feeling rested, refreshed, energized, and reinvigorated. I told the truth when I said I forgive you immediately after you apologized, but I also told the truth when a few years later I said I still hate you and resent you for the irreversible damage and permanent pain you caused me.

Do I end this all for the world to see?
Do I take everybody else down?
Everybody else down with me?

You’re allowed to have mixed feelings about people. Humans are complicated. We contain multitudes. We can simultaneously hold these conflicting emotions to both be self-evident, and equally true:

Just because I love you, doesn’t make you any less annoying.

But just because you’re annoying, doesn’t mean I love you any less.

I know that death approaches fast
What’s the purpose if this life won’t last?
Pulling everyone down with me

He answers his own rhetorical questions. Pulling everyone down with me, IS the purpose of this otherwise meaningless existence. Of course, deep down inside, I know that’s not really true. I don’t actually want to hurt myself, or anyone else, for that matter. But my own depression gaslights me into feeling hopeless despair, which manifests itself as self isolation and self destructive tendencies, which also negatively affects the people around me. I’ve lost friends, family, romantic relationships, and entire careers due to my mental meltdowns and crash outs.

Pulling everyone down with me
In waves
Pulling everyone down with me

Asking me why I “allow” these feelings to eat me alive, is like asking me why I “allow” hurricanes, tornadoes, and rogue waves to exist. My crash outs are uncontrollable forces of nature, total unmitigated disasters. No wonder they call them Meltdowns. After all, Chernobyl is just just a “Cheryl” with a “nob” in it. (Heh).

Outro:

These extremely intense emotional waves have always been here, and always will be. But I’m learning healthier coping mechanisms to navigate through the treacherous choppy waters. And these rogue storms are terrible, but hopefully the thundering rainclouds will eventually clear. Until then, I’m still clutching the rudder while the boat’s on fire.